Winds of Change

Since I've been here I've been struggling with trying to make myself fit into the program - classic square peg-round hole syndrome - and it's just not working. I have, however, found a solution. After much gnashing of teeth and soul searching I have decided to apply to the art Fine Arts PhD program here. I just have to apply to the art dept. since I've already been admitted to both the grad school and the college. There is more flexibility (heaven forbid the theatre department be flexible!), and I can concentrate on arts administration which is what I came here for in the first place. The art department has a very pro-active advisor who genuinely cares about making each student's experience be what the student needs and is willing to work hard to make it happen. I've discovered that the theatre department is very political, you don't know who you can talk to because you don't know who has the genuine interests of the students in mind or who is manuevering to get tenure or maintain their position, or who will take what you say and run to someone else in the department and stab you in the back with it. It's a very tense, non-nurturing atmosphere, and it's just not worth it. They treat the doc students like afterthoughts, and if you have an assistantship, as slaves. Apparently whatever your duties are for the department come before your education in their eyes. Something is very wrong with this picture and there is no way to fix it because they don't see any issues and will never change. I want to get a degree that means something to me and is not just a piece of paper. If I wanted a piece of paper I could have bought one on the Internet - LOL. I'm very disillusioned with academia right now and definitely at this point don't ever want to be a faculty member at a higher educational institution! All I have to do is live through this semester and next semester and hopefully in the fall I'll be an art student.

The thing I'm most proud of accomplishing since I've been here is being able to get TTU involved in "The Laramie Project: Ten Years Later." For those of you who don't know, Tectonic Theater Company went back to Laramie in 2008 and re-interviewed people and interviewed some new people to write an epilogue. There was an international staged reading event on October 12, 2009 and we were a part of that. It was so humbling to know that were were reading the script at the same time Tectonic was reading it in New York, and other theatres, universities, and high schools were also reading it all across the world. We were connected to the live pre-show feed from NY and saw Glenn Close, Judy Shepard, and Moises Kaufman. Then everyone did their reading and hooked back up with NY after for the post-show discussion. All in all it was very exciting to be a part of theatre history because Tectonic accomplished something that had never been done in live theatre before. There were 150 locations participating in this event. It still gives me chills thinking about it - we rocked!

So, there are small consolations to be found, but not enough to keep me invested in the department. I like my fellow students and have some very good friends but many of us are frustrated with the department. People leave all the time or get to ABD and never finish, which is not the goal. One of the problems is they admitted a lot of doc students in the past couple of years who they can't support financially and once you get here you don't get a lot of mentoring from the faculty members either. I feel like they want the doc students because grad students bring in more money but they don't care about us after they get us here. It's like being tossed to the wolves or thrown in the ring with gladiators. Overall, it sucks. If I was getting an MFA it wouldn't be so bad. Basically the MFA and PhD programs are the same - same classes, etc., only there are a few more hoops for the doc students to jump through. So, what is the value in that? I don't find much and it makes me sad.

Attitude Adjustment

I need one! This has been a very crappy week all around. On Wednesday I found out that, in spite of the fact that my MFA was writing intensive, and I got the highest score on the diagnostic essay, I still have to take the flipping research methods class! This is a waste of 3 credit hours, a waste of time, and a waste of money. I know how to research and write an academic paper, and since my dissertation is project based (unless I change my mind), it won't be that difficult to write. I think I can handle it without the research methods class. The Teaching Learning Center here is very good about putting on workshops for grad students to help them with this stuff - we don't need no stinking class! Grrr! Needless to say the rest of the week was not pleasant because I did not want to get up and go to class or teach my class or do any of the other myriad things GPTIs have to do in addition to keeping up with their schoolwork. I always thought I came here to get a PhD, not to be a peon for the department, so my first priority should be my academics. Apparently I was mistaken. All of this stuff is piling up and making me seriously consider whether I even want to accept a GPTI position in the spring. I just want to get this over with & go somewhere else right now. As I said, attitude adjustments are in order.

On the positive side, "The Laramie Project: Ten Years Later" event is coming together very nicely. We have had nothing but positive feedback and support from everyone we've worked with on campus, and in the community, to get this project going, and I've got a great bunch of readers who are as passionate about this as I am. This is one of the few bright spots in my life right now.

I also talked to a Peace Corps rep this week on campus. I've been thinking about this for a while, and if I wasn't in school right now I'd probably be in the Peace Corps somewhere. I'm going to apply when I finish here. Volunteering and being useful have always been high priorities for me, and I'm at the point in my life where I feel I can do that. I want to combine my interests in women's issues and theatre with a stint in the Peace Corps. I don't care where I go, as long as I go. Now that I made that decision it is making it just a bit easier for me to stick it out here. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, all I have to do is navigate the darkness to get to it!